this is me now

13 Aug

We do crazy things for love. I just did.

I guess some might hate me for having done this, but what the hell, it is my heart anyway.

I have, used to have, the tendency to please others. I would not like to make excuses, but I guess it could be traced back to the sudden disappearance of my core, my huge fans when I was still growing up. Mom died of comma a week before my birthday, her interment being that dreadful 10th birthday of mine. My father went through his grieving, living me alone to take care of my once sheltered heart. My older siblings have lives to live. So I did grow up; needing, buying attention. On the outside I conform, I am polished and pleasing. But deep somewhere am defying. All my life I have been living a spy’s life. I have a cover that doesn’t even give a clue how deviant the guy inside is.

In the recent years though, I have learned to come out of the sheets. The bad me is good. I grew weary of being the person that others hope to see. I grew weary of the conformity; I grew weary of being taken for granted. The good me, isn’t doing me good. That – I have learned the hard way.

And recently I guess I have done one of the most selfish things I have ever done.

I have been left hanging on the edge many times, I know he, whom I have left there would also bounce back soon. Besides, unlike what others did to me, I didn’t push him. Last night I even asked for forgiveness, I have been able to explain to him that sometimes we just really have to choose; and am choosing somebody else over him.

It sucks to hurt the guy, because in return it hurts me too. But we are better off this way.

I am tired of trying to be the good guy, because I am not.

I am mean, I curse and I am a sure elitist – who cares? I mean, there is still something good in me, in spite of that. And those who see beyond the dirt are the ones worth keeping right?

I grew weary of having friends around when am at my best and would leave me when I am down.

I remember pleasing a colleague back in college, realizing in the end that such person just want me around because I want to be around such person. When things change, so did the person. I was left with cold shoulders; with the thought wondering why I keep on wanting to be around people who ends up living me behind. I shun usually my door to those who try to get into my core, not realizing that these people are the ones I should really be hugging and sharing moments with.

Someone once said, it is good to build walls, because only those who really want to be around you would brave to break those walls. I have to live a life of my own, and not something that others would want me to. It’s me time this time.

I am done with pleasing them. My move to stay here in my hometown for the time being is a big move for me. No more comfort zones, no more desperate running. I am done chasing pavements.

Take me for who I am; as this is me now.


9 Responses to “this is me now”

  1. zezil August 16, 2012 at 10:33 am #

    I could so relate with this one:
    “I shun usually my door to those who try to get into my core, not realizing that these people are the ones I should really be hugging and sharing moments with.”

    Hope everything will turn out well soon.

    • behindtheseshades August 16, 2012 at 11:19 am #

      thanks zezil 🙂 things are quite better now. i have a happy heart, and am starting to reOPEN. It may take a while but my heart is slowly opening up…

      • zezil August 16, 2012 at 11:38 am #

        That is good to know. 🙂 New beginnings. 🙂 Wish you all the best!

      • behindtheseshades August 16, 2012 at 11:56 am #

        thanks 🙂 may you be happy too :))

      • zezil August 16, 2012 at 12:05 pm #

        Thank you din 🙂

      • behindtheseshades August 16, 2012 at 12:45 pm #

        yun! hehhe 🙂

  2. nikki August 26, 2012 at 3:32 pm #

    wow.. great blog read… at the end of the day, we are really left with ourselves.. so what the hell, just be who you really are.. im sure, there are people wholl readily embrace you for that.. 🙂

    • behindtheseshades August 28, 2012 at 11:56 am #

      hehhe. i guess we are on the same boat here ate :)) i see no other but you pag nagiisip ako about a brave soul who’s also ready to do just as her heart desires. kudos. i miss you.


  1. Last night « Daily Life and My Avoidance - September 9, 2012

    […] this is me now ( […]

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