The challenge now is definitely simple – how do I make the most out of my every day.
I have been diagnosed with an autoimmune disease a year ago, and since then; after tons of blood exams and stiffening MIRs, am now one eyed and still fighting, graciously fighting my own ‘confused’ genes. Pain management has been a gruesome ordeal; I have to take steroids to combat my ankylosing spondilitis. Technically, since my anomalous genes are confused, I have higher tendencies of developing other diseases that might make my, well relatively shorter life span, even shorter.
There are days when I would just sigh and ask, why me. There is so much ahead for me, there has been a promise of a bright future, and there have been so much doodles of my dreams drawn. Technically I have always known I would be able to reach and touch the skies, in my own life story.
But the creator has plans for me, better plans.
In retrospect, I have been relatively well. We’re not affluent or relatively rich, but I have lived a privileged life. My medications are quite affordable, but there were (and still are) medical procedures that are really costly which I went through (and still, and would go through). Should I have been a commodity, am a little priced. I am a little hard to maintain, so to speak. All those, me and my family went through, and continuously go through.
So, my point being made is, my life is not at all so desirable. Should others know they might not pick mine to exchange with. But that doesn’t make me hate it. There are, believe me, times that I really do, but in my heart of hearts, if I would be given yet another chance to live, I’d still take my life. All of it.
For a while, I have seen my sitch as a hindrance, as a block and an obstacle I have to push and fight against. I was wrong. Direly wrong.
We all have our own problems, some big some small, some might cause them lots of sleeps, some a bucket of money, some, like mine, might lose their lives because of it. But that’s just how life operates. We’re born and we’ll die. The time in between defines LIFE. No matter how short or meaningfully lived.
So, here I am, hugging this ‘gift’. As you know, I can either fret and ask why all day – or make the most out of my every day. Am not dying any sooner, but am going to (probably because my liver gave up, or my lungs did, or my spondylitis won or my heart caves in – or I’d be killed, or meet an accident). Come to think of it, walang nakaka alam (nobody knows). So while the time has not yet come. What the hell, LIVE!
It’s almost eight and I know in a while I would hear your songs again. Isn’t it funny, I don’t even know what those melodies are called, but just like you said in our Humanities class, music does communicate better when it’s left nude, I need not hear a word to understand that you have a heart that keeps many secrets, the music you play is enough.
I can still remember that day when you said that, you were seated at the back of the room, denim pants, white shirt and glasses on, you were like the coolest nerd I have ever seem. You were one of those guys, the ones whom I love to listen to in class, the ones that are so mysteriously sexy, sort of.
Since my past relationship, I have never fallen this deep – writing you letters for me to keep, watching you from afar, dreaming of holding your hands. Ah! You’re the biggest joy and pain that my heart had. But I know our situation, you, Adrian Chen, are a university jock, you’re one of those guys that girls here would go crazy for. And I am out of that league, probably nobody to you. We attended the same high school though, but aside from that, I have no other connection with you.
Kaya naman, for almost a month now, I have been doing this. It’s quite pathetic but lurking here at the backstage seems better than watching you play in front of a large audience, your songs here seem more real, more conversational, more meant besides I think there are some songs that you only play here.
These were the thoughts running on my head when I heard that voice, that familiar voice.
‘I would like it better if you stop lurking here, there’s a chair near the piano, I don’t mind having company’
For a moment, or maybe longer, I was speechless.
You know I watch you practice? – was my smartest response. Damn, I just admitted my crime.
‘Since day one’
Crap! He knows, since day one, that I have been sort of stalking him? My, my, I just want to melt and disappear.
But I had to face the situation, and him. I stood and turned around, faced him, who to my surprise was smiling, childlike – a rare thing.
But before I was able to say something, he took my hand. Adrian took my hand! I was breathless.
‘I need no explanations’ – ¬was the only thing he said before he offered me a seat, and played.
I was head over heels. He played ‘I will’ a Beatles classic, a song dear to my heart, a song though which I have never heard from him before.
I have a confession to make. – he said after the song.
To me? I asked.
Yes to you.
You know me? – was my confused response.
Since day one – he smiled, and looked at me in the eyes.
What do you mean? What’ll you confess?
He took a paper out of his pocket, looked at me and started to read.
The paper looked familiar, and I have known why when he started to read.
My T-shirt Guy,
Forgive me for looking at you, from afar.
Forgive me for dreaming of holding your hands.
Forgive me for loving you, hopelessly loving you…
He was not able to finish because I grabbed it off his hands. It was a blog post, at a blog that only my closest friends know, friends I know are not friends with him. Damn, I was really melting then; my eyes were befriending the floor already when he held my face.
Look at me.
I am not good with words, he said, that’s why I play the piano to say things. I play my songs here, where no one hears, where the one I have wrote it for isn’t around. Because just like you, I made sure I would not really be heard. But I was wronged, you were wronged. You have heard my songs, just like I have found your blog.
Confused, I whispered ‘I don’t get it.’
Before I fainted, I heard him say – Gab, I was looking at you first, from afar.
There would always be that one person with whom we saw forever with – and turned out ain’t even worth it. Dining out with a friend late last Wednesday, she told me that when you decide to fall and be in love, you open yourself into accepting all things. All things bad and good. But perhaps not everybody understands this. She noted that there really is no such thing as being tired; it’s just a lame excuse. She said sparks and all those mushy stuffs are only part of the movies, in real life its either you stick up with the person or you let them go. All things done in between are not born out of love, but mere bullshits we try to tell others so we don’t ‘hurt’ them.
We were both at the same boat. She ended her ties with her boyfriend for four years and I on the other hand, was told by the person I have been considering being with for a drag of time since I came back here that he was slowly letting me go. And since am the kind of a person that want either black or white and no shades in between when it comes to relationships, sorta pushed him into gushing out words I have never even realized might hurt me this much.
I fell for him, he fell in return, I said one stupid line (which now I believe isn’t really that stupid) and he lost the spark. Damn that spark. We then pretended that things are alright since that day to that recent flared up sitch he had. And now, am back on my own, taking comforts in the possibility that he was not even worth it. Indeed he wasn’t.
I believe in happy ever afters and I set standards, but only when you truly fall should you break all the rules. I broke mine for him, he didn’t for me. I have loved him dearly, he did for a while as he said, but I think, I know and now convinced he never did.
Love is fleeting, but a relationship takes effort – and that makes the difference between fairy tales and real life happy ever after. -Brent Tzu
i pray that one day you’d not love me the way you loved him. love me more | <3
and if tomorrow i never wake up, that means i decided to forever be wrapped in your arms, in my dreams <3